I found a profound and poignant observation of our times in this post: "I hate that I am stuck living in a world where my only real options are two dogmatic, moralized, conspiratorial political and social camps obsessively creating endless purity tests, cultish fixations, and bottomless echo chambers."
I admire your commitment. Marriage is tough and should never be taken lightly. Seems to be a lot of people who don’t understand that these days. That being said, feeling like you have to hide parts of yourself from her is not a healthy place to be. It breeds dishonesty and distrust, something that, if you let it, will destroy your relationship. It’s perfectly fine to have differing opinions on things but you should both be on the same page when it comes to core values (things like how you plan to raise your child, etc.), and you should always be honest. It may hurt to hear the truth but it hurts worse when the lie is revealed. And yes, omitting the truth is a type of lie. Keep trying to talk (not yell and scream, but talk) to her. If she doesn’t want to listen, that’s out of your control. Come at it with love, respect, and kindness. You may not understand why she believes these things and you may never know but, for one reason or another, she believes them. If you truly are committed, you will listen to her, keep your heart open to her (even when you want to pull your hair out). Don’t belittle her (no matter how ridiculous her opinions sound to you). I’m not saying enable her, just be there for her as much as you can.
It’s really sad people have let politics stifle productive communication. We have freedom of speech for a reason. When all our differing ideas come together in civil collaboration, we are capable of achieving so much and doing so many great things for our community.
I was in her camp. Until I heard Matt Taibbi on Majority Report rebutting Russiagate. I decided to be more open minded. I read Hate Inc, Listen Liberal, then kicked social media and cable news to the curb. I started listening to heterodox podcasts instead. Now I can hear other’s opinions without losing my shit. She needs to get out of her bubble. She being lied to and propagandized. By her Listen Liberal and Hare Inc. they will open her eyes/
I feel bad for this gentleman. Let's see what happens and how he feels when his wife tries to trans their kid, though. I can't believe he doesn't see that train coming down the track. Love blinds us to so many things.
This may seem totally unconnected but bear with me. I have a sarcastic theory about PETA: they are actually a front group for the meat industry. I’m of the opinion that a large number of people could be convinced to pare back or eliminate their consumption of (at least factory-farmed) meat if confronted with the reality of it. The statements and stunts that come from PETA, on the other hand, are so flagrantly off-putting and irritating, they probably have the opposite effect from what they say they want. My non-sarcastic explanation for this is that PETA’s goal is not what they say or even think it is: it is really an outlet for people to be sanctimonious about animal rights. I bring this up because some of the comments on this post remind me strongly of my PETA theory: you are not here to change my mind or anyone else’s. You are here, reading and interacting with a substack that clearly has no bearing on your personal situation (or that you loudly opine to be a grift), not to accomplish anything positive, but to unleash your extraordinarily strong sanctimony on people you don’t know.
As I believe most any literate, sentient human with a passable grasp of the English language should have been able to tell, the point of the above was the sentence: “More than anything, I hate that I am stuck living in a world where my only real options are two dogmatic, moralized, conspiratorial political and social camps obsessively creating endless purity tests, cultish fixations, and bottomless echo chambers.” I was not complaining about my wife or singling her out; I could easily have written the exact same piece about my progressive sisters or a mirror-image equivalent about my grandfather and his obsession with Donald Trump. I was expressing fear and frustration, not with my wife, but with the state of our culture and politics.
P.S. To Messrs. Weingrad and Mike: I sincerely hope that you are able to extract yourself from this foolish, arrogant, presumptive, and valueless hobby of surfing comment boards that has clearly dominated you, but in the meantime: Get bent.
I hope the OP gets some marriage counselling with his wife, as this is not a healthy way to exist. I too can't talk about politics with my husband, but it's not because he doesn't agree, but rather that he gets so angry at the state of things. Seems like maybe the wife has a cohort of friends with similar beliefs that allow her to exist in an echo chamber. A difficult situation, that's for sure! I saw something similar play out while living abroad. Two expats that were a wonderful match in many ways, but she was just sooo progressive (although had many other wonderful traits), and ultimately it seemed to be an issue that led to the couple breaking up.
I felt this in my soul. I relate to this so much. My wife isn’t as extreme (no blue hair, lol) but talking politics has always been difficult. Good luck, sir.
What kind of "economic understanding" are you talking about? What you think is economic common sense is often going to have this effect on others. You are correct: You should not be discussing this stuff with anyone! It makes for bad arguments!
I’d respectfully recommend that your wife and you take a look at Braver Angels (www.braverangels.org). It will give you ways to communicate that will help you better stand each other and find common ground, if any exists. Among the free workshops you might find helpful are Depolarizing Within, Skills for Bridging the Divide, and Families and Politics (which is especially popular in the run-up to Thanksgiving and the holidays). These and other offerings have helped me improve communication across differences with my wife, other relatives, and others who have different perspectives than I do. Good luck!
Oh God dude, you have made a HUGE mistake. Marrying and procreating with this woman was a STUPID thing to do. She is going to take all your money and trans the kid and you will be screwed unless you start framing her (with iron-clad evidence) for some heinous activity RIGHT NOW.
I guess we know that this isn't Jeren's letter since you talk quite a bit about politics with him.
Seriously though, I don't necessarily have a direct experience with a wife/girlfriend, I do have this view regarding family members. I can understand why it feels so frustrating.
Well I can see why you married a liberal progressive with the statement
"a party that remains in hock to a man that recklessly peddled conspiratorial nonsense"
No bias or cognitive dissonance there then.
The words "made your bed" and "lie in it" spring to mind.
I found a profound and poignant observation of our times in this post: "I hate that I am stuck living in a world where my only real options are two dogmatic, moralized, conspiratorial political and social camps obsessively creating endless purity tests, cultish fixations, and bottomless echo chambers."
I so appreciate "Politically Homeless."
Politics has taken on dangerously cult like aspects. Are there resources for people married to cult victims?
I admire your commitment. Marriage is tough and should never be taken lightly. Seems to be a lot of people who don’t understand that these days. That being said, feeling like you have to hide parts of yourself from her is not a healthy place to be. It breeds dishonesty and distrust, something that, if you let it, will destroy your relationship. It’s perfectly fine to have differing opinions on things but you should both be on the same page when it comes to core values (things like how you plan to raise your child, etc.), and you should always be honest. It may hurt to hear the truth but it hurts worse when the lie is revealed. And yes, omitting the truth is a type of lie. Keep trying to talk (not yell and scream, but talk) to her. If she doesn’t want to listen, that’s out of your control. Come at it with love, respect, and kindness. You may not understand why she believes these things and you may never know but, for one reason or another, she believes them. If you truly are committed, you will listen to her, keep your heart open to her (even when you want to pull your hair out). Don’t belittle her (no matter how ridiculous her opinions sound to you). I’m not saying enable her, just be there for her as much as you can.
It’s really sad people have let politics stifle productive communication. We have freedom of speech for a reason. When all our differing ideas come together in civil collaboration, we are capable of achieving so much and doing so many great things for our community.
I was in her camp. Until I heard Matt Taibbi on Majority Report rebutting Russiagate. I decided to be more open minded. I read Hate Inc, Listen Liberal, then kicked social media and cable news to the curb. I started listening to heterodox podcasts instead. Now I can hear other’s opinions without losing my shit. She needs to get out of her bubble. She being lied to and propagandized. By her Listen Liberal and Hare Inc. they will open her eyes/
These comments are amazingly unhelpful. Good luck to the OP.
I feel bad for this gentleman. Let's see what happens and how he feels when his wife tries to trans their kid, though. I can't believe he doesn't see that train coming down the track. Love blinds us to so many things.
From the OP:
This may seem totally unconnected but bear with me. I have a sarcastic theory about PETA: they are actually a front group for the meat industry. I’m of the opinion that a large number of people could be convinced to pare back or eliminate their consumption of (at least factory-farmed) meat if confronted with the reality of it. The statements and stunts that come from PETA, on the other hand, are so flagrantly off-putting and irritating, they probably have the opposite effect from what they say they want. My non-sarcastic explanation for this is that PETA’s goal is not what they say or even think it is: it is really an outlet for people to be sanctimonious about animal rights. I bring this up because some of the comments on this post remind me strongly of my PETA theory: you are not here to change my mind or anyone else’s. You are here, reading and interacting with a substack that clearly has no bearing on your personal situation (or that you loudly opine to be a grift), not to accomplish anything positive, but to unleash your extraordinarily strong sanctimony on people you don’t know.
As I believe most any literate, sentient human with a passable grasp of the English language should have been able to tell, the point of the above was the sentence: “More than anything, I hate that I am stuck living in a world where my only real options are two dogmatic, moralized, conspiratorial political and social camps obsessively creating endless purity tests, cultish fixations, and bottomless echo chambers.” I was not complaining about my wife or singling her out; I could easily have written the exact same piece about my progressive sisters or a mirror-image equivalent about my grandfather and his obsession with Donald Trump. I was expressing fear and frustration, not with my wife, but with the state of our culture and politics.
P.S. To Messrs. Weingrad and Mike: I sincerely hope that you are able to extract yourself from this foolish, arrogant, presumptive, and valueless hobby of surfing comment boards that has clearly dominated you, but in the meantime: Get bent.
I think the more important thing is to have enough going on in your life that you don't need to discuss politics with your wife.
Or have other people to do that with.
I think Sam Hyde said it best:
"Stop thinking that you need a woman who aligns with you completely, because you know who's going to align with you completely?
A man. A man with Asperger's."
Fascinating responses!
I hope the OP gets some marriage counselling with his wife, as this is not a healthy way to exist. I too can't talk about politics with my husband, but it's not because he doesn't agree, but rather that he gets so angry at the state of things. Seems like maybe the wife has a cohort of friends with similar beliefs that allow her to exist in an echo chamber. A difficult situation, that's for sure! I saw something similar play out while living abroad. Two expats that were a wonderful match in many ways, but she was just sooo progressive (although had many other wonderful traits), and ultimately it seemed to be an issue that led to the couple breaking up.
Leave her or your new kid will end up castrated
I felt this in my soul. I relate to this so much. My wife isn’t as extreme (no blue hair, lol) but talking politics has always been difficult. Good luck, sir.
What kind of "economic understanding" are you talking about? What you think is economic common sense is often going to have this effect on others. You are correct: You should not be discussing this stuff with anyone! It makes for bad arguments!
I’d respectfully recommend that your wife and you take a look at Braver Angels (www.braverangels.org). It will give you ways to communicate that will help you better stand each other and find common ground, if any exists. Among the free workshops you might find helpful are Depolarizing Within, Skills for Bridging the Divide, and Families and Politics (which is especially popular in the run-up to Thanksgiving and the holidays). These and other offerings have helped me improve communication across differences with my wife, other relatives, and others who have different perspectives than I do. Good luck!
Oh God dude, you have made a HUGE mistake. Marrying and procreating with this woman was a STUPID thing to do. She is going to take all your money and trans the kid and you will be screwed unless you start framing her (with iron-clad evidence) for some heinous activity RIGHT NOW.
I guess we know that this isn't Jeren's letter since you talk quite a bit about politics with him.
Seriously though, I don't necessarily have a direct experience with a wife/girlfriend, I do have this view regarding family members. I can understand why it feels so frustrating.