February 28 - Unable to Reason

I was inconsolable for hours. Intellectually I knew I was being ridiculous but it didn’t matter.

Write about a time you were irrational.

Immediately what comes to mind is a night during my pregnancy, right around 24 weeks. There were many nights during pregnancy that I was irrational, but this one in particular stands out.

I was doing a meditation in a lukewarm bath, specifically for connecting to the baby. This is something I hadn’t allowed myself to do out of fear of loss—but my therapist wisely helped me see that there was no way to protect myself from the grief and disappointment if I did lose the baby, so I might as well enjoy the time I had with her instead of distancing myself from the experience.

So there I was, breathing in and breathing out, 20 minutes into 35, so pretty deep in the meditation.

I could feel her moving and responding and for the first time in my pregnancy, I sensed how much of a unit we were. I realized I didn’t have to try to connect—we were always connected and I just had to allow myself to feel that, to get out of the way.

My heart burst open and I was overcome with bliss.

Suddenly off in the distance I heard the sound of guns firing.