All one or two of you. I’d like to make something very clear: I am not neglecting PHETASY because I want to—if I had it my way I would work on PHETASY everyday, all day. PHETASY is not low on the list of priorities for me; it’s actually at the top. PHETASY has always been a labor of love and I have sacrificed most of what is dear to me in the pursuit of a vision that has haunted me my entire life. But I avoided the fast lane of the highway and opted to take the longer, harder, stupider route of trying to have it all: all my way. This means that I only have so much time and energy to devote to so many plots and schemes per day.

And I'm not feeding you a bunch of bullshit. These posts, even the smaller ones, take at least an hour of my time. But these written ones, these take 3-4 hours from beginning to end.

You might think I'm distracted and usually, you would be right. But in this case, I’m not. Believe it or not, I'm actually focused on one project at the moment, which is very rare for me. But the momentum is there and I want to get this idea out and done while it is fresh so I can focus on all the other matters that are pressing. My mind is like LAX and all the ideas are backed up waiting to land.

I'm also working three other jobs to pay the bills, running here there and everywhere teaching yoga and working with kids. Now--I'm not complaining. I love my life and I love my work.

"Just post anything," someone said. But I would rather post nothing than post a bunch more meaningless blah blah blah. I'm tired of hearing myself think let alone blahg.

I didn't want to explain all of this to my one or two readers because I didn’t want you to think I was complaining, so I decided to say nothing.

But someone whose opinion I really respect told me to get naked. With my words of course. Jeez, get your mind out of the gutter.

Anyway, here I am. Naked.

To top it all off, I'm engaged in an exhausting battle with my mind. As old patterns and habits start to change, it is amazing to sit in meditation and watch the mind resist. Every one of my shields is flying up, including my hypochondria -- as I will myself into poor health. My brain is literally trying to kill me.

I've been tired, just relentlessly tired everyday for a week. I've been waging an internal war.

And I've been pushing pushing pushing so hard. For years. Going going going.
Moving moving moving. Lately the workaholic tendencies have me wondering what I'm running from and where the hell I'm going.

I'm tired. I'm just fucking tired. And what my soul really needs is probably a week in Mexico with no phones, no internet, just yoga, healthy food and quiet. But fuck, who doesn’t need that?

The truth is…we all need a retreat. I know I need one. Or I’m going to burn out. I'm borderline burn out right now, on the verge of teetering over...but not quite there yet.

I'm not perfect. I'm just one woman. Trying to survive and build something I believe in. I have debt. I have demons. I have fears. I have negative mental patterns that are currently kicking my ass. And it is amazing how hard on myself I am. But at least I'm aware of it. And please trust me when I tell you that at the moment, I'm doing the best I can.

Right now, I'm just trying to stop beating myself up. At the moment it has been a daily struggle just to stop kicking myself for being any number of horrible things, or to stop obsessing about some part of my body and what new imaginary, undiscovered, untestable, untreatable, completely fabricated disease I have.

I'm in emergency back to basics mode. My current state of being is Yoga 101: Breathe.
Stay present.
Stay calm.

Despite all of this, I'm still doing well. And I will continue on that path. But right now, I just want sleep. I'm preparing for another battle with the old demons.

I don't even know why I fucking wrote all this. Blah blah blah blah blah.

I talk too much. I shouldn't be posting. If anything, I should be on 6 month quiet-time just for being such a jack ass.

But thanks for listening.
I love you.

Xoxo
B

P.S. And thanks for calling me out.