My Valentine’s Day columns have been pretty cynical over the years. But, like most everyone I know, my Valentine’s Day experience has been tainted by disappointment, sadness and a deep sense of loneliness. This disappointment is created in large part by the gap between what we are raised to expect of the day and what we actually experience.

My tendency is to blame the actual holiday itself or the mass commercialization of that holiday or what society brainwashes us to expect (or some concoction of all three of those things). This year, I decided I would take full responsibility for my holiday misery (and consequently dark writing) and give Valentine’s Day a second chance. I would start by taking stock of the past couple of Valentines and honestly looking at my part in why they sucked.

Valentine’s Day ’05: I was feeling trapped in a small town, suffocated by dreams I wasn’t following, stuck in the restaurant industry rut and a marriage that was quickly deteriorating before my very eyes. Let’s just say that I’m glad my column that year only appeared in print--my family was horrified (as usual) and the entire town felt very very sorry for my then-husband.

Valentine’s Day ’06: I stupidly went on to break every single one of my own damn Booty Rules and--against all odds--fell madly in love with my booty call. He is five years younger than me. It doesn't take a psychic to predict how that one ended: it turned into a painful, year-long, on-again/off-again relationship that resulted in at least five falling-outs, two fruitless efforts on my behalf to run away from the feelings and one broken heart (mine--I’m just getting over him now and I had to leave the state to do it. Yeah. I fell hard). Needless to say, a year ago, these sentiments came through when I was writing about a holiday devoted to love.

This year…. I was all about falling in love. I made up my mind to let go of the past. I decided I would go into the day open-minded and openhearted. I turned on my vDay Lonely Heart Mix and spent the morning messaging some troops abroad. I spent the afternoon at a charming lunch with a man I feel like I could fall madly in love with if I let mysef. We then went for a romantic lover’s walk around a partially constructed, pre-fab, build-by-numbers, soon-to-be “neighborhood.” After being taken out to a delicious dinner in a Radisson restaurant and receiving two roses from a co-worker, I found myself at home. Alone. On the couch. Silently weeping.

The reasons start flowing like the tears: I can’t believe despite all that we’ve been through my booty call love from last year didn’t even think to call…No one is ever going to love me deeply and truly… But it made no sense. Why am I crying? I had a beautiful day filled with beautiful people….In the midst of the Pity Party my mind was throwing, the answer became painfully apparent. The root of why I was sad occurred to me…. It’s Valentine’s Day and I am alone. It’s that fucking simple.

To be alone on Valentine’s Day is traumatizing. Any holiday is depressing enough, especially when you are alone— and Valentine’s Day is based on being a pair. It’s a sick and twisted holiday that excludes all single people. As I began calling some of my other solo friends I realized they were feeling the exact same way. But the truth is—everyone hates Valentine’s Day--even couples. If you are in a relationship it turns a giant pain-in-the ass of a holiday filled with even more giant expectations. God forbid if you forget. I’m sure I wasn’t the only cold and lonely soul sleeping on a couch last night.

I promised in the Recent News that eventually loneliness would turn into solitude if you embraced it. Well apparently, I lied. On Valentine’s Day, loneliness is just that. Loneliness. And no matter how much you try to embrace it—on a day devoted to love, being alone sucks. But this year I’ve come to a realization-- Valentine's Day isn’t the source of our woes; so much as a glaring light that reveals the exact state and condition of our relationships at the time. This spotlight on my love life is exactly this reason I begrudge the holiday so much. I say: Kill the messenger. Boycott Valentine’s Day. And based on the backlash I witnessed this year--I’d say it’s only a matter of time.

Fucking Valentine’s Day. It’s over between us. I gave you a second chance. But you’re dead to me now. If, simply because I'm alone, there is no way to avoid feeling sad and lonely on Valentine’s Day--no matter how hard I try--then forget it. We’re through.