WHOROSCOPES: Episode Three

#19: August

There is a plot afoot. They’re after you. The crystal ball is a little fuzzy, I’m not sure if it’s your friends or co-workers, but be careful, somebody is up to something and it doesn’t bode well for you. Watch out for whispers and strange looks--then you’ll know who is part of it. Lock your doors, including the ones in the stall. Someone’s trying to make an ass out of you. And for some reason, I think you might deserve it.

Sometimes you say dumb shit, everybody does, no doubt, but you’re particularly bad at times. It’s embarrassing and you know it. Usually you play it off well, but not this month. Watch your mouth, especially after a couple of cocktails, important people are watching. Maybe you should start researching your weird factoids before they get you in trouble.

A confusing month for you, buddy. If you’ve got a lover, be nice to them, they’re probably on the edge. For some reason, you’re going to look particularly good this month, don’t waste it. So, there in lies the confusion. I hope you’re single.

Children are a bad thing this month. Stay away from them. Those little fuckers are going to play with your mind and your clothes. They might just tell a lie about you that no one will ever forgive, just for fun on their part, mind you. You’re a target for applesauce and bizarre creamy foods and maybe even a good pee on your lap. Luckily, it’s not Christmas Season yet and your Santa outfit remains in the closet.

I see you have a secret. It’s a good one. Don’t get drunk and tell anyone, not even your moms. That shit’ll bite you in the ass. Maybe not this month, or next month--but it’s going to happen. Take your secret to the grave and enjoy it in your room alone. Maybe even draw a picture of it and burn it just to get it out.

Traffic holds many strange things for you this month. It’s going to be a bitch at times, but whatever you do, don’t piss anyone off. There’s definitely an angry fucker out there waiting to get out of his car and make adjustments to your face or even your car. And man, I’m not even talking about on the freeway. They’ll know your car, its weird stickers or odd dent, and they’ll happen upon it late this Friday night. Be Mary Poppins on the road and you’ll definitely get a spoonful of sugar this month.

Ew, I see some romance in your month. Don’t get too happy about it, you’re going to need a condom and perhaps a fake phone number. But hey, enjoy it. It’s been awhile hasn’t it?

Oh look at you, making the waves this month. Impressing everyone with your tales and goodness. I really actually have nothing bad to say; you’re safe this month. Just stay away from cotton fabric. It’s all about silks and leathers this month.

There’s this guy, Crazy Mark. I actually met him tonight, though I know I’ve met him before. He’s about Danny Devito size, but really skinny. He was wearing a cowboy hat and long curls tonight, but I could tell from the shine of the glue that he wears disguises. You’re going to meet Crazy Mark this month, and he’ll use a different name and a different face. Whatever you do, be wary of new friends and don’t take anyone, especially a dude, back to your place. There literally will be Hell to pay. I know first hand. Why do you think I only have one hand?

I have a feeling that animals are bad this month. Don’t go to the dog park, don’t go to the zoo, don’t feed the pigeons, and whatever you do, don’t go fishing. I see big teeth, blood, and perhaps some rabies. Pets, yours or your friends, are off limits. If they don’t infect you, you might just kill them by accident. And that doesn’t make anyone happy, does it?

Don’t move anything in your house. They’re all exact replicas. It’s a test. If you pass, the Shadow People will return everything as it was in a month’s time.

Mr. Energy. Everything will seem alright this month. You’re on top of your game. Well, at least at work. Love life’s gonna be a bitch. Maybe you’ve put on some pounds or your having a bad hair month, but no one’s having it. Rent some porn and be happy.