WHOROSCOPES: Episode Two

#12: July

If your birthday is December 14: The sun’s rays will be particularly strong for you this month. Exposure to direct sunlight could result in third-degree burns. Don’t set foot outside your house without your Biohazard Suit and an parasol. Special goggles are also recommended to avoid having your retinas burned out of their sockets.



You will finally set out to discover the answer to the age-old question posed by a spectacle-clad bird of wisdom many generations ago: How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie roll center of a Tootsie pop? All that self-restraint will again prove itself invaluable. The world will finally know.

Your computer will keep booting you offline and thwart your efforts to upload new MySpace pics. Your inability to commune with your cyber-space friends will force you to take stock of the fact that you have no actual, tangible friends. Time to turn off your computer and embrace the physical world. Loser.

If you ever wondered what it felt like to be tarred and feathered - this month is your month to find out. After a horrible prank at a colonial reenactment village goes awry, you will find yourself being chased by a horde of angry villagers wielding torches and pitchforks. A word to the wise, avoid colonial reenactment villages.

The word “pithy” will haunt you this month. Everyone will use it describe you and you will take offense, until you go look up what the word means and realize you still don’t know whether to take it as a compliment or an insult.

Sometime within the next seven days, true love will come knocking on your door. Unfortunately you aren’t home to answer because you got lost on the walk of shame home from that weird guy’s house.

Your ability to take risks is inspiring to others. Thanks to you, one of your friends has an STD, another has a bun in the oven, a third has become a coke whore, and two more just received their first DUIs. You are truly a role model to all those around you, keep up the good work.

This month you are forced to confront two horrible truths: 1) Not all 21-year old males are sexually potent and 2) even sunflowers can be ugly. Does this bode well for the budding relationships? Does Viagra really work? And is “the hottest florist in town” completely overrated? Tune in next month…

Doors will remain closed to you this month. No new opportunities will come your way, and nothing interesting will happen. It is best to either stay drunk or stay in bed. The stars highly recommend the combo. Pull the covers over your head and wait out the month.

A faceless man will haunt your dreams. You will be puzzled by the symbolism of this until you realize that the faceless man is the uncle who molested you. You will be forced to confront this painful memory that you have long suppressed and you may never have sex again. This month, it sucks to be you.

A magical horse will appear before you and tell you to go on a quest to retrieve the Mythical Rose of Zanzibar before time runs out. All of this will be very exciting until you realize you haven’t left your dirty, vomit-covered hostel cot in three days. You should be more cautious when taking 10 grams of Amsterdam ‘shrooms. You’re lucky to be alive.

You’re on someone’s shit list this month. This is a person you’ve wronged and mentally tortured, a person whose head you’ve so filled with lies and deception they no longer have a clear grasp of reality. A person you’ve repeatedly gotten drunk and then taken advantage of. That person is you. The bad news is, your personality appears to have “split” yet again. Seek help for the progression of your Dissociative Identity Disorder.