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When Good Booty Calls Go Bad |
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Standard Booty Call Guidelines
 Standard booty call guidelines and procedures are outlined below. Any deviations from the standard should be taken as telltale signs of a developing relationship. As long as you respect the sacred rules and learn to read the warning signs you should be able to keep the booty in check and out of your apartment.
- Rule: ALWAYS USE PROTECTION!!! If you don’t know why this is a rule go get tested for an STD right now. Or just take a moment to imagine your booty call as the mother or father of your child. If that thought makes you howl with laughter, then use protection.
Warning: If it doesn’t make you laugh hysterically, the relationship you are involved in has passed the point of booty calling and you don’t need to read the rest of this stupid list.
- Rule: Booty calls are like vampires, they should never see the light of day. In fact just to be safe, they should never be seen before 10:30 pm.
Warning: Any time you put yourself in a position where you have to communicate with one another without having to scream over loud music, you are violating the sanctity of the booty call. Communication leads to emotions. Emotions have no place in a booty call.
- Rule: Never arrive anywhere with your booty call. After 10:30 pm always meet her/him at the bar/party/social gathering. That is, if you have to see them in public at all. Ideally you do not. Ideally they are a phone call you make during the cab ride home.
Warning: Arriving anywhere together, in everyone’s mind, means you are together. This eliminates your options if there happens to be a better booty call around, not to mention that now one of you needs the other for a ride. You should never have to depend on your booty call for anything. They are notoriously flakey, unreliable and undependable.
- Rule: Be flakey, unreliable, and undependable. When you say that you will call or show up in 15 minutes, really do it in 45. Change your plans often. Be elusive about where you are. Disappear for a day or two.
Warning: A booty call is never a priority; they are not the main course. Rather, try to think of them as dessert: sometimes you get it and sometimes you don’t. It will keep the booty coming back too. Booty callers in particular love the challenge of someone who is impossible to pin down.
- Rule: Avoid doing any “boyfriend/girlfriend-like” activities. Boyfriends/girlfriends are required to do thoughtful, courteous things. You are not. Boyfriends/girlfriends are required to put their needs aside sometimes to accommodate yours. Booty callers are not.
Warning: This means no shopping, no help moving, no rides to or from the airport or any other thoughtful actions. Hanging out and not having sex is unacceptable. It could be as simple as watching a baseball game, golfing or going on a weekend ski trip—realize that the minute you start hanging out you start getting to know each other. Getting to know each other, leads to feelings for one another. (See Rule #10)
- Rule: No excessive amount of money should be spent on a booty call. In fact, you shouldn’t really be spending money on them at all. If you have to spend it, it should be no more than the equivalent of three drinks and a slice of pizza after the night out. This means no more than $35 ($55 if you are in New York). However, spare no expense if an emergency cab ride to get out of their home and safely back to yours is necessary.
Warning: Watch your spending habits. Watch your wallet. (Literally and figuratively.) Like anything in life, the more you invest in it, the more it is worth to you.
- Rule: Try not to meet too many of their friends, especially their oldest and best friends. Avoid meeting siblings like the plague. Under no circumstances meet the parents. This should be a no-brainer but as you probably know, brains are not a requirement for a booty call.
Warning: All of a sudden, you find that you know all of their “BFF’s.” She invites you to her nephew’s birthday party or a family BBQ—he desperately needs a date to his cousin’s wedding. Politely decline all of these invitations. The more people close to your booty call who know you, and your name, the longer the list of people who will forever think of you as a scumbag when you and your booty call part ways.
- Rule: Beware the relationship hunter disguised as a booty caller. This shameless predator seeks to lure innocent booty callers down the rabbit hole of monogamy. They seduce their prey with luxuries and favors. Don’t get too comfortable. That’s when they pounce with their demands, accusations and needs.
Warning: It is easy to overlook these signs because of their subtlety. The other person is, in fact, doing something nice for you. But remember, with all bait, there is a string attached somewhere. She will do his laundry, cook him nice Italian meals and maybe even clean his place. He will take her out to dinner, buy her a dress and maybe even give her a back rub. That’s all fine and dandy and it’s nice to be taken care of, but now you owe each other, which is the modern-day basis of all relationships.
- Rule: Romance of any kind is strictly forbidden. A booty call should never spend the night, but if you are too drunk to drive home, avoid cuddling, cozy breakfast mornings and kissing on the lips. Watch the music you play during and after sex. NO PETER GABRIEL. MEATLOAF is also a big no-no. Stick with Jay-Z and you’ll be keepin’ the bangin’ real. A man who has “99 problems but a bitch ain’t one,” is a man who knows the rules of booty calling.
Warning: Anything romantic is a warning: flowers, candlelight dinners, watching romantic comedies together. THE NOTEBOOK is a booty caller’s kryptonite. Of course, the chief warning sign of romance is if either of you ever call “doing it,” “making love.” If this ever occurs…..RUN.
- Rule: A booty call should be ended at the first signs of any feelings, either yours or theirs. This is to avoid any serious drama or being ensnared unexpectedly in the trap of a relationship.
Warning: Drunken teary-eyed confessions of love are not a good sign. Pet names and pillow talk are out, unless it’s dirty. No toe-cuddling and unless there is penetration, no spooning either. Excessive text messages or phone calls are also bad news. Maybe you noticed you have been thinking about your booty call more than usual: no good. But the big, flashing neon sign that you should abort the booty is when they ask you where the relationship is headed. That’s your sign to head for the hills.
HAPPY HUNTING!!!!
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