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The Top Fifteen Reasons You Drive Your Waitperson to Drink |
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The Top 15 Reasons
This company is dedicated to all waitpersons big and small—or people working in any service industry for that matter—the human punching bags of society. I salute you. PHETASY salutes you with this essay, written to enlighten the masses and to be sent to every waitron you know:
The Top Fifteen Reasons
You Drive Your Waitperson to Drink
Ever been out to eat and suddenly find yourself in the "asshole" zone? You don't know what you did, but you did something to piss the waitress/waiter off. You feel stares coming from where the staff huddles together at the bar, whispering and giggling. More than likely, you committed one of the following fifteen offenses*:
*these are by no means the only offenses one can commit, simply some of the most annoying.
15. Weight-Watchers – Oh how I loathe America and its fad diets. How I despise people who get burgers with no bun, extra cheese, bacon, sautéed mushrooms--oh, and extra mayo on the side. Do you not hear yourself? Let us not forget the people who think that the mayo-drenched coleslaw is better for them than fries. Or worse still, the macrobiotic diet; no sugar, no wheat, no dairy, no fun. Stop kidding yourself. Stop acting like a dieting Diva in front of your friends with all of your silly demands. The truth is: if you really want to lose weight, stop going out to eat and get a job waiting tables.
14. Physical Contact – Why is this on the list you ask? Let me explain the two parts to this gripe:
Scenario A: there is a cold, crusty, dried piece of potato left on a plate. In an attempt to clear the plate, the waiter reaches for it and…….WHACK! Down falls the hand of judgment like so many other hands before. If you don’t want your waiter to clear your plate, just tell them; don’t smack them like you smacked the back of your kid’s hands when their elbows were on the dinner table. It’s just that simple.
Scenario B: A waitress approaches a table to take an order. As she turns to the man on the left asking “French fries or coleslaw”, all of a sudden she notices the dirty old man is holding her hand. “Now, is it possible to get my gravy on the side?” he asks, still holding her hand, now rubbing it. At this point the waitress either pulls her hand away uncomfortably or stands there letting her arm hang limp and waiting for the awkward moment to pass. I’ve tried and tried, but I really can’t come up with a logical or even funny explanation for this one. It’s just creepy and weird. Don’t assume to know the waitress unless you do.
13. Dumb Questions – This one drives me nuts. When I ask, “French Fries or Coleslaw” and you say, “Do you have pasta salad?” I could hit the ceiling. Don’t you think that I would offer it if I had it? I promise you, we aren’t keeping anything a secret from you – it is all very clearly on the menu. Or how about, “What’s good here?” Everything dumbass. Also falling in this category is dumb answers. If I ask you, “Can I get you a beverage while you’re looking over the menu?” and you respond, “No, but I’ll have water” I swear I’ll bring it with a fork.
12. Separate Checks – If you want separate checks, get separate tables. If you must do it, give us a heads up at the beginning of the meal. And don’t expect us to be happy about it, invariably we always get screwed by the cheap couple who asked us to separate the checks in the first place.
11. Speaking of Cheap Bastards -- We can see you coming from a mile away. You know who you are; you’re the one who refuses to be nice to us no matter how badly we might kill you with kindness. You look down at your food. You are cold, aloof. You can’t really afford the meal, but you go out anyway, and you make the poor waitress pay for your gluttony. Or, far worse, you can afford the meal, and you’re nothing but a cheap bastard who looks for reasons to bitch and be dissatisfied to justify the fact that you’re going to stiff us on the tip. Guess what buddy? Getting in to heaven ain’t cheap.
10. Sodas with no ice – If you order a soda with no ice, don’t expect a straw either.
9. Please Wait to Be Seated – I’ve always believed the “Please” in these signs should be removed. “Please Wait to be Seated” is not a polite request, it is a command. Self-seaters beware: if you don’t have menus, we either assume you’ve been helped or ignore you because we know you seated yourself at a dirty table. Who does that? Are you that desperate? We don’t care if you “didn’t know,” ignorance is never an excuse. You certainly don’t accept it as one when we claim that we “didn’t know” you were sitting there for twenty minutes.
8. Kids – Our first recommendation; get a sitter. Our second; buy a leash. In a world of ADHD, TV, video-crack, and an endless stream from the internet, crayons just don’t cut it anymore. In a perfect world, our hostess would hand out Gameboys and Ritalin-laced mints. But she doesn’t, which means that you as parents have to do what apparently some of you are not used to doing anymore--discipline your kids. If you don’t see a singing mouse or a tank filled with colored balls, keep your children in their seats. It is dangerous to have them running around the heels of a waiter balancing sixty pounds of food on a tray. When it is very busy and there are children sprinting around, you are adding stress to an already stressful situation. And what happened to manners? Since when did a 13-year old have the audacity to say, “Get me another soda.” In this instance, I reserve the right to say, “Get me another soda, please,” when the parent doesn’t step up to the manners plate.
7. Cell Phones – Sure, I’ll take your order from you while you’re on the phone. No, not while you point at the menu, you’re welcome to call me…here’s my number: 1-800-U’RE-RUDE.
6. Get the **** outta the way! – This is what we’d like to say but can’t to the people everyday, who, like deer in the headlights, just stare at us as we come right for them, balancing drinks, plates or large trays filled with food. Don’t just stand there! Do something! Clear a path, open a door, and if that’s too much for you, just move moron!
5. Get Out – The only thing that annoys us more than people not getting out of our way during our shift is people not getting out at the end of our night shift. If your drinks are gone, the bill has been paid, the lights dimmed, the music turned off, the chairs put up, the candles blown out, the janitors are sweeping the floors, and the entire staff is cursing the only table left in the restaurant, which is yours; it’s time to leave.
4. The Snap – Question: What is the fastest way to alienate your waitress and make her loathe you forever? Answer: The Snap. That demeaning, ultra-irritating gesture used far too often to summon a waitress to the table. Snapping at a waitress in this day and age immediately earns you the “jackass of the day” award. I’m sure you’ll wear the badge with pride.
3. A Million Trips – Believe it or not, you are not our only table. Order in rounds, know what you want when you say you’re ready to order, don’t ask ten million stupid questions like, “Is the lobster fresh?” and tell us that you want mayo on the side of your burger when you order it, not when we bring you your meal. Being a waitperson on a busy day is like playing chess--you are constantly thinking about your next ten moves; your inconsideration costs time and consequently, money. Don’t make us run back and forth ten times to get ten things we could have gotten all at once.
2. Food Modifications (aka "Food Mods") – Want to make up your own menu? Open a restaurant smarty pants, otherwise, stick to what is on our menu. There are two parts to this gripe:
A) If you want a well-done burger in 2 minutes…go to McDonalds.
B) If you want to Build-Your-Own sandwich…go to Subway. Every time you alter the menu with your ridiculous requests, we apologize for your stupidity to the kitchen.
1. Hot Tea – The one drink that requires ten steps. Only a waiter or a waitress can fully appreciate this gripe--nothing makes a us cringe on the inside faster than an order for “hot tea”. Especially in the dead heat of summer.
Enjoy!
Article Series
This article is part 1 of a 4 part series. Other articles in this series are shown below:
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The Top Fifteen Reasons You Drive Your Waitperson to Drink
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The Adventures of Cap'n Plan It
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What is Earth to your Mother
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What Would Leo Do?
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