Our quest for the Holy Grail
Due to extenuating circumstances, we felt the dire need to leave the confines of Florida and continue on our quest for the Holy Grail. Sorry, I mean the west coast. As beautiful as it was, and as generous as our hosts were (big ups to Justin and Matt once again), we couldn’t fully spread our wings in the concrete jungle of southern Florida. A spur of the moment decision made at seven in the morning, led us north towards Sean’s farm in Quapaw, Oklahoma. For those of you that haven’t traveled the length of Florida, it’s massive. Our previous notions of driving straight to Oklahoma dwindled as we drove up the pan handle. After a solid twelve hours of driving, we made yet another split decision to stop in Panama City for the night, not knowing what to expect. We had vague recollections of the MTV Spring Breaks seen on television in Panama City, but weren’t sure if it was still a hot spot for rambunctious young men and women. Everything seemed to be quiet until we began our departure from the city around one in the afternoon down Front Beach Road.
Holy Moly! Paid actors couldn’t portray the clichés of spring break fever better than these kids. It was amazing! Kids hanging out of cars, girls flashing their tits, crappy sound systems turned up way too loud, expensive cars, really shitty cars, beer coolers, wine coolers, beach parties, foam parties, skinny chicks, fat chicks, hicks, free shots, happy hours galore, and virgins just dying to get laid parading down the street like they had been locked up in a cage all their lives. Thank God we made it out of there before we were sucked into the vortex of lost brain cells, puke, and that mysterious burning sensation when you take a piss.
You know you are in Panama City, Florida when:
- There is a “No I.D. Required Night” at the hottest beach clubs.
- Just as many side view mirrors are wearing beads as people.
- You can barely keep your eyes on the road due to drive by flashings.
- A high rise is born every 20 minutes.
- More people are sitting outside of their cars while driving than inside.
- Sand, a sea creature, or a tropical fruit are incorporated in every restaurant/bar name.
- Car doors open up, not out.
- There’s a happy hour three times a day, two hours at a time.
- The only people you’ve seen over the age of thirty are building high rises.
- If you don’t own a cheap straw hat, you should go to WINN-DIXIE and buy one.
- The bed of a truck dually functions as a mobile wet bar.
- You can play through to the next mini-golf course using a sand wedge.
- You may mistake Front Beach Rd for a Confederate Monster Truck Show or an African American Mo-Ped Rally.
- You use your beer bong as an antenna on your car.
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