PHETASY: The One That Got Away - http://www.phetasy.com
Fill 'er Up.
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Bridget Phetasy

 
By Bridget Phetasy
Published on 08.10.14
 


“Prayer”

by Galway Kinnell

 

Whatever happens.  Whatever

what is is is what

I want.  Only that.  But that.


Are You There, Journal?

“Prayer”

by Galway Kinnell

 

Whatever happens.  Whatever

what is is is what

I want.  Only that.  But that.

 

8.10.14  Joshua Tree


EXHALE.

 

I hit the wall.  I should have seen I was heading right for it what with all the writing.  I failed to heed the warnings and I’m glad.  Burnout led me here.

 

I am playing hooky in Joshua Tree and it’s the single best decision I’ve made for myself in quite some time.  Last night I book a cabin at 7.  I am here by 10pm.  Every mile I escape the soul-crushing egomania necessary for survival in Los Angeles, my grin grows wider, my soul dances, my spirit grows lighter.

 

Because it gets pretty dark.  I felt ugly on the inside.  Angry.  Bitter.  Selfish.  Entitled.  Negative.  Mean.  Judgmental.  Envious.  Egocentric.  Narcissistic.  Delusional. 

 

Separate. 

 

All the telltale signs of a spiritual tank on “E” are there:  I lose the ability to filter white noise from conversation; all sound gets equal priority and the world feels loud and violent; I want to throw my smartphone into the ocean; I can’t even muster the energy to fake a smile; I feel like it’s “me against the world”; my ADD is unmanageable; I reach out to aloof men who have rejected my affections; I start to hate everyone--most of all myself; my brain races; my breath shortens; I find myself asking WHAT’S IT ALL FOR????

 

Always reaching reaching reaching for MORE MORE MORE. 

 

I’m beyond Empty.  I’m running on fumes.  Too much grinding.  Not enough loving.  Too much focus on the self instead of how I can use that Self to be of service to the world.  Too disconnected from the Great Spirit – the soul of all souls.  The oneness of all experience.

 

So I come to the source.  My church.  Where the silence is so deafening after sitting in it for just 10 minutes I feel cleansed of the horns, buses, construction and lawnmowers from the past 10 months.  The rays of light from one single sunrise pierce through weeks of disillusionment and cynicism built up, spiritual plaque clogging my artery to the Divine.  The wind that has no end or beginning bears messages from far away lands and times.



 

I perch on a rock and overlook the vastness of the morning desert, where everything evolves to survive only the harshest of conditions.   This rock spent thousands upon thousands of years forming--heating, cooling, cracking--under layer upon layer of the Earth’s crust.  It’s taken shifts of epic proportions taking place over stretches of time beyond my comprehension for it finally makes its way to the surface to see the light.  Patience.  I know nothing of patience.



 

The stillness & silence cleanse my cluttered & racing mind.  Solitude so inescapable I can hear the flapping of the crow’s wings.

 

It’s 7:30 and I’m already sweating, ego melting under the heat, humbled by a small glimpse of my place in infinity.