Big Dreams
This friggin’ Coldplay song has been haunting me. It gets stuck in my head and sticks. For days. In fact, for almost 3 weeks now the refrain has just been running through my mind. It drives me crazy. No other song has the power to supersede its catchy little chorus. I’ve done nothing but resist the effects and try to push the song out of my mind to no avail.
But what you resist, persists. So today I finally crack and decide to sit down and really listen to the lyrics. Before I know it, I am crying. NOW I know why this song resonates so much, especially right now at this particular moment in my life.
When she was just a girl She expected the world But it flew away from her reach so She ran away in her sleep and dreamed of Para-para-paradise, Para-para-paradise, Para-para-paradise Every time she closed her eyes
Some of you know my story. Some of you don’t. It really doesn’t matter. All that matters is that what I’m doing right now (traveling the world aimlessly) I have envisioned doing my whole life—since as long as can remember being a little girl with big dreams. But life takes its toll.
When she was just a girl She expected the world But it flew away from her reach and the bullets catch in her teeth Life goes on, it gets so heavy The wheel breaks the butterfly Every tear a waterfall In the night the stormy night she'll close her eyes In the night the stormy night away she'd fly
I have no business being here. I should have died when I was a 19-year old heroin addict. I should have killed myself at 20 when my step-dad told me he was in love with me or at 26 when my mom chose her relationship with him over me. At 23, I had completely given up on myself when I was a drunk, coke-addicted waitress in a bad marriage going nowhere in a small town. At 28 I faced financial ruin, bankruptcy and nearly lost my car (well I did lose my car—but I mean lost it to repossession—not lost it in a drunken stupor) after investing all my life force and credit on a dumb little website called Phetasy.
And dreams of Para-para-paradise Para-para-paradise Para-para-paradise
I have spent years of my life in a prison of my own thoughts, beliefs, fears, disappointments and personal history. I’ve also spent years fighting the urge to give up on myself, dreaming of paradise, desperately trying to break free.
And so lying underneath those stormy skies
She'd say, "oh, ohohohoh I know the sun must set to rise"
Which makes every precious moment I’ve experienced thus far on this journey that much sweeter.
About 9 months ago, I wrote If the World Is My Oyster—Why Am I Settling for Shrimp? It was a damn good question. In my satirical moment of daydreaming, I imagined falling in love with a syphilis-bearing Aussie I met in Barcelona. I decided to come directly to the source of the global syphilis epidemic instead. Australia.
All jokes aside, the idea of an extended globe trot was a pipe dream really, even then. How would I come up with the money? What would I do with my stuff? My place? What about the teens I work with? My yoga clients? Would all of the effort I have expended trying to break into the frustrating world of show biz be for naught?
In September I said “fuck it” to all of those self-defeating questions and hit the road in search of work, determined to find a way to make my fantasy of fitting my life in a backpack and heading out on the road for a year—what fell into my lap were Burning Man tickets. It was there I smelled not only just the stench of hippie body odor, but also the whiff of a potential way to make it all happen.
After three months working my tail off on a Goat Farm—I pull the trigger, book a one-way ticket to Sydney just in time for New Years and am now letting the chips fall where they may and going where the universe summons me.
I never expected anything to be easy, especially living out of a backpack with no sense of direction and a limited amount of money. I have to get creative. I don’t take the things life throws my way as a blessing or a curse. I just take it as the next challenge on my journey.
It’s been nothing short of epic. I’ve felt pleasure and pain. Love and loss. Anxiety and serenity. I’ve been challenged in ways I can’t comprehend and rewarded in ways unimagined. I’ve tasted things I’ve never tasted. I’ve seen beaches so beautiful it is hard to get my mind around. I witnessed a New Years sunset on the harbor I will never forget. I’ve driven through the rolling hills of Australia and heard the jungle hum in the Bush. I’ve started learning the guitar. I’ve danced, I’ve cried, I’ve laughed—hysterically. I’ve met heaps of people from all walks of life and listened to their tales of struggle, experience, travel, family, love and blessings. I’ve been a decadent Bacchus, a spiritual Buddha, a Goddess of Love and everything in between.
And that’s it. Living in this contradiction is life. Beautiful life!!! So take it! Right here. Right now. In this holy body. Feet planted firmly on the ground. Eyes focused on the heavens. Dance like a jackass on the beach. Sing in the shower. Love and get hurt. Kiss passionately. Eat gratefully. Make mistakes.
Only because I am
able to love fearlessly, live with passion and intensity, with the
whole totality of all of my being that I am able to weather life’s
depths. I’m not afraid of rejection. I’m not afraid of failure. I’m
certainly not afraid of heartbreak. The only thing that scares me is looking back at a situation and saying, "I wonder what if...?"
I am only able to
fully experience the joy and excitement of the lotus blooming because I
have been through the shit and fallen face first in the mud. Paradise isn’t some otherworldly
place. It’s right here in this moment, whatever that moment brings. It lies in the freedom of knowing: this too
shall pass, no matter what state of Heaven or Hell you're currently in. And being okay with that because...
This could be Para-para-paradise Para-para-paradise Para-para-paradise
Oh oh oh oh oh oh-oh-oh!!!!
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