Published on 05.05.11

Even the Planets Know What A Slut You Are
Written By

A Bunch of Dirty Little Harlots

5-5-11

Aries
(March 21 – April 19)

You will consume seven Luna bars per day this month, causing severe stomach cramps and flatulence. This will deeply concern your forthcoming Italian house guest, Luna the Lunatic—not because she thinks you want to eat her, but because she's sick of smelling your toxic gas.

Taurus

(April 20 - May 20)

When your friend welches on a bet, you decide to take matters of restitution into you own hands and steal his Crest Whitening Strips. This has unforeseen consequences when his yellow teeth offend even the Brits and tragically loses all of them to hooligans at football match turned riot. Brush your teeth.

Gemini
(May 21 – June 21)

You are elated by the news of Osama Bin Laden's death. Not for political reasons, but because your uncle just moved to the number one position and that bastard has been fondling you for years. The smell of Jim Beam Whiskey will trigger flashbacks.

Cancer
(June 22 – July 22)

Your Memorial Day family reunion turns out to be as epic as your aunt promises when the glare off your Polarized Maui Jim Sunglasses temporarily blinds your dirty uncle the grill chef, causing a chain reaction that results in some second-degree burns, the severing of an important male appendage and enough emotional scarring to last a lifetime.

Leo
(July 23 – August 22)

After a fight with your roommate about whose turn it is to buy toilet paper that results in a stand off, in desperation you turn to Puffs Mentholated Tissue. These cause an unexpected--but not entirely unwelcome--anus tingle that you're addicted to for the rest of the month.

Virgo
(August 23 – September 22)

The Old Spice guy makes an appearance in your dreams which The Most Interesting Man In the World is not happy about. Sadly he takes you to an Ornithology Convention in Central Canada. Without a doubt the Most Interesting Man In the World would have had much bigger adventures in store for you and your dreams.

Libra
(September 23 – October 23)

Burt's Bees Wax Tinted Lip Gloss gives you the appearance of much fuller, plumper lips according to your friends. Your friends prove totally unreliable however, when looking in the mirror you discover a.) you're a man and b.) you're wearing blackface. Why didn't they mention that?

Scorpio
(October 24 – November 21)

You sign up for a calligraphy class after your most trusted astrologer advises you to get a new hobby. Who the fuck are you listening to when it comes to astrology other than us, first of all? Calligraphy course, seriously? What are going to be an 18th Century scribe? What are you gonna start--Apple, Steve Jobs?

Sagittarius
(November 22 – December 21)

You are invited to the event of the season: it involves the crème de la crème of society, a banquet fit for a Princess and crowns as far as the eye can see. That's right--your niece is having her birthday party at Burger King this year. Try not to embarrass yourself by showing up drunk without an invitation and a horrible looking hat.

Capricorn
(December 22 – January 19)

Much to your chagrin, you get a cold sore the night of your first Match.com date. Good thing you put that on your profile, so your date won't be too surprised. But it's no wonder that it took anyone 6 months to respond to you. This month, you give up on honesty.

Aquarius
(January 20 – February 18)

In a drunken attempt to make up for missing Passover, you consume a whole box of Diamond Crystal Kosher Salt and inadvertently mummify yourself. Forget Judaism—with a guilt complex like that, you were born for Catholicism. Convert or die. (Wait, is that what the Muslims say? The stars can't keep all that religious bullshit straight.)

Pisces
(February 19 – March 20)

After your dog returns home from the park wearing a blue bandana, you realize he's finally chosen sides in the local doggy gang war. However it only takes a few Milkbones to convince him to switch allegiances as you yourself are a Blood. Beware retaliatory drive-by poopings.

This month's Whoroscopes are sponsored by The Yard in Santa Monica.
Many thanks to the many Dirty Harlots who work & drink there.