My Candy

By Bridget Phetasy
Published 02.05.06
Captains Blog

My Candy

Bridget Phetasy

View all articles by Bridget Phetasy

Ok. So with iTunes rockin’ the Peter Gabriel, I begin my countdown to vDay. Today we’re going to rap about candy. I am going to analyze vDay candy hearts and examine why the hell they’re so weird and exactly what messages we are ingesting about love. I got my first bag of candy for the holiday and was just reading some of the actual sayings on these things. THEY’RE FUCKIN’ NUTS!!!:

FAX ME Huh? That’s so strangely 80's. I wonder how old these things are.
MY WAY How romantic.
MY MAN Me. Me. Me.
MY LOVE Mine. Mine. Mine.
MY BABY Me. Me. Me.
FIRST KISS This one is pretty harmless.
AMORE Cliché.
LOVE ME Despite being on a cute candy heart, this one reads like a threat.
BE TRUE They need to start producing the follow-up to these commands: OR ELSE.
IM ME At first I thought this said IN ME which I was shocked an delighted to find in a bag of CVS candy, then, to my disappointment, I realized it was IM. Instant Message Me. Well, at least I know they aren’t from the 80’s…
ASK ME This is the scene that comes to my mind: a woman desperately wants her boyfriend to propose. She is giggling and playfully hands the ASK ME candy heart to her significant other. She stops her laughing dead in its tracks and looks deadpan at her now uncomfortable beau--square in the eyes.
WISE UP Unless you want to fight the Battle of vDay, EAT THIS ONE NOW.
GET REAL Eat this one NOW. Don’t even think about it.
HOW NICE Eat this one too. It comes across as trite.
I’M SURE And this one.
CUTIE PIE Creepy because “stalkers” seem to use this expression a lot. Just trust me.
GO GIRL Isn’t that something chicks say to their other chick friends when they are bitching someone out?
MARRY ME You KNOW many men, probably more people than we could even imagine, have actually and seriously proposed with a fuckin’ candy heart. And you know they all said yes.
U R A 10 This one is cute…if U R 10.
SO FINE So lame.
LOVE LIFE Huh? Is that in the noun sense as in How’s your love life? Or is that a reminder to love life? I don’t really get it.
KISS ME I am down with this one.
BE MY HERO Um. That’s weird. Do we really want to mess up the friendship we have with our heroes by sleeping with them? Do we really want to make our lovers, our heroes? Kinda kinky if you ask me. I'm picturing a Wonder Woman costume and a gold whip....
E MAIL Okay….email what? Or is that just a reminder that you should be doing work and not eating candy.
FOR YOU ALWAYS GIVE THIS ONE AWAY
ONLY YOU And this one.
LOVE YOU This one is a safe bet. WARNING: UNLESS IT’S THE FIRST TIME YOU ARE SAYING IT DUMBASS.
REAL LOVE “…I’m searching for a real love…someone to set my heart free…” I hate this candy heart because it gets that annoying song stuck in my head immediately.
I HOPE Don’t give this away. It comes across as pathetic.
BE MINE The timeless classic. A old favorite among wife-beaters, stalkers and other insanely jealous types.

The thing that really stands out to me is the instances of ME, MY or MINE. Of 30 hearts, 13 contain those key words. Only 4 expressions contain the word YOU. Proving that love is not about your loved one, it’s about you. And it’s certainly not about what you give, it’s actually about what you get. So let the countdown begin to vDay, which I have affectionately renamed, Me-Day.