Even The Planets Know What A Slut You Are
JULY 2010
If
you are woman, this month you will regress to your 3rd House of Men Who
Don’t Deserve You. And you will justify it by the fact that all your
friends are doing it. Get your heads out of your asses and get some
self-esteem!!! How many times do you have to learn this lesson,
ladies? NEVER give a man more than a 2nd chance. Ever. Unless they
met you in the last 20 minutes, consider yourself the one that got
away. If you are a man, you will spend the month chasing pussy.
Aries
(March 21 – April 19)
Be
warned: you will say something idiotic on that trip you’ve been wanting
to take that could trigger a series of international incidents leading
to the start of WWIII. The stars trust that you know the right thing to
do. But we know that you’ll probably do the wrong thing anyway.
Taurus
(April 20 - May 20)
You
were born a giant pain in the ass, and you’re still a giant pain in the
ass. The only reason anyone puts up with you is because they are paid
to. We’d tell you to stop being so difficult, but it’s actually part
of your charm (and we’re getting paid to be nice to you).
Gemini
(May 21 – June 21)
You will inadvertently break at least one person’s
heart this month because you are a blind idiot. Your dual
personalities tried to have their birthday cake and eat it too. And as
usual, someone got hurt. It’s never you though, is it Gemini? Better
luck on the karmic wheel next time, buddy. You’ll probably end up a
Virgo.
Cancer
(June 22 – July 22)
Happy
Birthday, Dumbass. This
month the stars have decided to drop Cancer from the astrological
charts. You must have done something wrong because all they’re
whispering is: you’re dead to us now…. We’re sorry. There is nothing we can do for you. Better luck next month.
Leo
(July 23 – August 22)
Just
say no to whatever drugs you still consider to be drugs. And then say
yes to midgets. It’s time to get to work, lazy ass! Those midgets
have whips! And they’re not afraid to use them!!
Virgo
(August 23 – September 22)
This
month you’re feeling hypersensitive and uber-responsible. Oh wait,
that’s every day of your life. Looks like you’re right on track,
Virgo. Keep up the good, stable work.
Libra
(September 23 – October 23)
This month, one question will haunt you: why the Hell are
they called goose bumps? You will spend hour upon hour researching it
online because you have no life. It’s not because you’re a Libra ,
it’s because you’re just downright lazy.
Scorpio
(October 24 – November 21)
Accept
that whoever you thought might be your true love is just not that into
you. And they never will be. Get over it NOW to preserve the
friendship, move on and never EVER look back. The stars advice: write
a song about it, crybaby.
Sagittarius
(November 22 – December 21)
You
will be caught up in an elaborate cyber-spying conspiracy and fingered
as the mastermind behind it all. Fortunately, your computer doesn’t
even have a camera, your phone is from the 90’s and after your
testimony no one will believe you are capable of being the ringleader
of anything. This month, a lifetime of underachieving will finally pay
off.
Capricorn
(December 22 – January 19)
Why
are you so crazy? Yes, we’re talking to you. You. Are. Crazy. You
won’t believe us, but that’s because you’re a Capricorn and firmly
convinced of your own superiority over every other living creature.
It’s okay, the stars expect that from you. And we’ve learned to ignore
you.
Aquarius
(January 20 – February 18)
Well,
we saw that one coming. Although don’t think we’re happy about it.
Just because you can maintain your responsibilities doesn’t mean now is
the time to court drama. Oh wait, sorry, that’s exactly what it means
for you, you’re an Aquarius.
Pisces
(February 19 – March 20)
You’re
pulling all the strings, aren’t you, Pisces? At least you think you
are. But guess what, the strings have been cut, you just don’t realize
it yet. And by the time you do, your puppets will be long gone,
fleeing for their lives to escape your cruel tyranny.
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