JULY 2010
If you are woman, this month you will regress to your 3rd House of Men Who Don’t Deserve You. And you will justify it by the fact that all your friends are doing it. Get your heads out of your asses and get some self-esteem!!! How many times do you have to learn this lesson, ladies? NEVER give a man more than a 2nd chance. Ever. Unless they met you in the last 20 minutes, consider yourself the one that got away. If you are a man, you will spend the month chasing pussy.
Aries
(March 21 – April 19)
Be warned: you will say something idiotic on that trip you’ve been wanting to take that could trigger a series of international incidents leading to the start of WWIII. The stars trust that you know the right thing to do. But we know that you’ll probably do the wrong thing anyway.
Taurus
(April 20 - May 20)
You were born a giant pain in the ass, and you’re still a giant pain in the ass. The only reason anyone puts up with you is because they are paid to. We’d tell you to stop being so difficult, but it’s actually part of your charm (and we’re getting paid to be nice to you).
Gemini
(May 21 – June 21)
Happy Birthday, Dumbass. You will inadvertently break at least one person’s heart this month because you are a blind idiot. Your dual personalities tried to have their birthday cake and eat it too. And as usual, someone got hurt. It’s never you though, is it Gemini? Better luck on the karmic wheel next time, buddy. You’ll probably end up a Virgo.
Cancer
(June 22 – July 22)
This month the stars have decided to drop Cancer from the astrological charts. You must have done something wrong because all they’re whispering is: you’re dead to us now…. We’re sorry. There is nothing we can do for you. Better luck next month.
Leo
(July 23 – August 22)
Just say no to whatever drugs you still consider to be drugs. And then say yes to midgets. It’s time to get to work, lazy ass! Those midgets have whips! And they’re not afraid to use them!!
Virgo
(August 23 – September 22)
This month you’re feeling hypersensitive and uber-responsible. Oh wait, that’s every day of your life. Looks like you’re right on track, Virgo. Keep up the good, stable work.
Libra
(September 23 – October 23)
This month, one question will haunt you: why the Hell are they called goose bumps? You will spend hour upon hour researching it online because you have no life. It’s not because you’re a Libra , it’s because you’re just downright lazy.
Scorpio
(October 24 – November 21)
Accept that whoever you thought might be your true love is just not that into you. And they never will be. Get over it NOW to preserve the friendship, move on and never EVER look back. The stars advice: write a song about it, crybaby.
Sagittarius
(November 22 – December 21)
You will be caught up in an elaborate cyber-spying conspiracy and fingered as the mastermind behind it all. Fortunately, your computer doesn’t even have a camera, your phone is from the 90’s and after your testimony no one will believe you are capable of being the ringleader of anything. This month, a lifetime of underachieving will finally pay off.
Capricorn
(December 22 – January 19)
Why are you so crazy? Yes, we’re talking to you. You. Are. Crazy. You won’t believe us, but that’s because you’re a Capricorn and firmly convinced of your own superiority over every other living creature. It’s okay, the stars expect that from you. And we’ve learned to ignore you.
Aquarius
(January 20 – February 18)
Well, we saw that one coming. Although don’t think we’re happy about it. Just because you can maintain your responsibilities doesn’t mean now is the time to court drama. Oh wait, sorry, that’s exactly what it means for you, you’re an Aquarius.
Pisces
(February 19 – March 20)
You’re pulling all the strings, aren’t you, Pisces? At least you think you are. But guess what, the strings have been cut, you just don’t realize it yet. And by the time you do, your puppets will be long gone, fleeing for their lives to escape your cruel tyranny.
