healers1

Part I: The Set-Up

I didn’t even see it coming, but I should have. My good friend and soon to be contributor for Phetasy (or soon to be ex-friend after reading this), The White Collar Hippie has been dying to get me to a healing. Through him, I am exposed to the Healer/Raw Foodist Scene. He rolls deep in the spiritual world and believes and experiences a lot of the same energetic weirdness that I do. He surrounds himself with healers, hippies, raw foodists, shamans, futurists, create-your-own realists and yogis.

The healing takes place at a trendy yoga studio in Brentwood. People mill around, waiting in line to get tickets and trading hippie tips. A man with wild hair flutters about giving people drops of his freshly made Goji berry potion under their tongues. I decide to sample the goods.

“Is this some kind of hallucinogen?” I ask after he has already shoved a dropper full of juice in my mouth. I’m kidding of course, I know what this is. Being a yogi exposes you to all the newest hippie fads. It’s a magical elixir that cures all ailments, helps you to see more clearly and goes for a mere $150 for a 30 mL bottle.

“What’s your name?” I ask.
“Avocado.” he replies without a hint of self-consciousness or irony. Apparently he goes by his middle name.
“Awesome. I love avocados.” He floats off.

An older hippy chick approaches.
“Are you raw?” she asks.
“Huh?” I smell under my armpits. Do I stink?
“Well you look like you’re raw, you’re simply glowing,” she says.
“Ohhhhhh….no, I’m not a raw foodist.” It must be all the animal fat oozing from my pores giving me that shiny gloss.
I feel self-conscious and guilty for giving off the "raw glow" despite my carnivorous ways.

Jesus In Training (JIT), an apprentice to the Head Healer Himself (HHH) meets and greets the people as they arrive. I had met JIT about a week before at the Urth Café (ground zero for hippie/healers) when I went down to join The White Collar Hippie for a chai latte.

I couldn’t relax around JIT. I felt like he was always ready to pounce on my words. Whatever the vibe I was getting from him, it was exactly the opposite of non-judgmental and loving. My gut feeling was confirmed later when he did indeed pounce on my words in a very judgmental and non-loving way.

“Do you hang out with a lot of healers?” someone asked me that night.
“Ummm…I hang out with a lot of people, I don’t know, I guess I don’t have that much time to hang out with—“
“That’s a bullshit answer.” JIT snapped.
Whoa. That’s a pretty unhealing feeling.
I was taken aback at the hostility coming from this supposed God-inspired healer. Everyone else in the group was too. It was a side of JIT that none of them had ever seen before.

Needless to say, I already have doubts about this guy before I show up for the healin’. Everyone there knows him. He flutters around, collecting compliments, basking in songs of praise from healees and sycophants alike all while getting his palm greased regularly by his followers. A man approaches and hands him some cash.

“What is this for?” JIT asks innocently.
The man gives him a look. “Just—“
JIT smiles knowingly and pulls the classic maitre d' maneuver; shaking his hand, palming the cash and slipping it into his pocket in one smooth, obviously well-practiced move.
“Thank you," he whispers gravely. Somehow he manages to be condescending and pious at the same time.

In these situations it’s all about the associations you are making. They speak subconscious volumes about what’s really goin’ on. At this moment the opening scene in one of the most hilarious movies of all time Dirty Rotten Scoundrels flashes through my mind. If you've seen the movie you'll know what I'm talking about. If you haven't seen it, GO RENT IT NOW.
“Then consider the lives of the children...the innocent children."
"But...for the children," Michael Caine says as he "reluctantly" accepts the pearl necklace being "forced" upon him for the sake of the mythical children.

Now, I'm not saying this guy doesn't genuinely heal people. In fact, he gets flown around the world in order to do so. He has to make a living and I don't fault him for that. God bless him for helping people. I'm not saying it's wrong, there is just something really weird about watching him accept cash "gifts" for services already rendered. Last time I checked, Jesus didn't pass out the collection basket after performing miracles, but for all I know, his apostles were wandering through the crowds collecting on his behalf.

So I pay my $65, am handed a ball of raw cacao, and told to go in and find a place to sit. I head to the back of the yoga studio and settle into the lotus position for the show.

The Phetasy Cynical Guru says he has a tainted picture of anyone in the New Age World. And Lord knows I have a tainted picture of just about every system put in place by man…especially the New Age Man. But I generally try to go into things with an open mind. Especially things like healings. But this healing might have closed my mind forever.

I should have known something strange was going to happen when the first thought I had as the patrons filed into the studio was: I wonder if anyone has ever gone postal in one of these things?

To be continued…..