Survivor: Jail

Survivor: Jail

Richard Hatch is a local from the very small New England town my colossal company is based out of, making him our very own “local celebrity.” So now our hometown “hero” is going to jail. These are my thoughts on this matter in no particular order.

1) I don’t know much, but I do know supposedly the only two things that you can’t avoid in life are DEATH AND TAXES. What idiot would ever think that they could win a million dollars and get out of paying taxes on it?  An idiot who got famous for winning a reality show, that’s who. Dude, Richard, IT’S RIGHT UP THERE WITH DEATH.

2) Locally the man has no support at all. And he’s certainly no hero. Back in my table-waiting days, I would wait on this giant douche, and to him I say— karma sure is a bitch, isn’t it?

3) Speaking of bitches, I have decided that sending you to jail is probably more like sending you to band camp. I bet you’ll like it. There is lots of plotting and scheming in jail.  There’s no rent.  And all the free butt-sex you could ever want. I bet you’ll be the one volunteering to pick up the soap.

4) I also think that this would make yet another engaging reality show. Your warden can be the host. Instead of voting people off the show, they’ll just take you out back and shoot you. (This is to prevent the contestants from milking their 15 minutes of fame any longer than we the public deserve to bear). We have lots of other super great ideas for the show and think that FOX STUDIOS should contact us immediately.

5) There is a giant PHETASY (for those of you who are not familiar with this term and what it means, please see the FAQS) buried deep within this entire situation; one of the many PHETASIES that exist in our effed-up society. Now pay close attention: Richard Hatch didn’t pay his taxes. Richard Hatch is going to jail. Jail is something that we, the hardworking citizens of this country, pay for—WITH OUR TAXES. As far as I can see, this whole jail thing isn’t looking like much of a punishment for Mr. Hatch, proving yet again, LIFE ISN’T FAIR, IT’S A PHETASY.  So much for karma.

Well Richard, good luck surviving jail, buddy. Hope you enjoyed your tax-free million while you were free.