Published on 01.16.08

Even the planets know what a slut you are.

Written by a bunch of dirty little harlots.

January

JANUARY

If your birthday is June 8th: A little white pomeranian puppy will unleash a terror within you such as you've never known. As you run away screaming - darting like a mouse - and repeatedly glancing over your shoulder, you will run directly into a tree. This month, try not to drown yourself in a glass of water.

Aries
(March 21 – April 19)

You will get arrested for disorderly conduct. And by disorderly, we mean, being a dumbass for picking a fight with the cops. Next time, shut your mouth, kiss ass and walk away, rather than holding up your fists and slurring “I’m drunk; arrest me”.

Taurus
(April 20 - May 20)

You are riding high on success and having a great month. You’re looking at yourself in the mirror and saying “I don’t even know you anymore. You’re leaving me behind!!” Embrace the new Self and stay focused. We know how good you are at staying focused on yourself. Remember to give back to the people who have helped you get to where you are.

Gemini
(May 21 – June 21)

You’ve disappeared. You’ve jumped completely off the star chart and into a black hole. You will need a flashlight, a pair of pliers and a cab ride home.

Cancer
(June 22 – July 22)

As Mars enters your Second House of Shame you will find yourself doing a lot of walking.

Leo
(July 23 – August 22)

You will be amazed at your diligence and work ethic this month. You will astonish your friends and confound your enemies. Beware of an individual who looks hard on the outside but is actually chewy on the inside.

Virgo
(August 23 – September 22)

This month, the stars are whispering, “you’re one of us” and that’s when gravity will cease working just for you and you will be beamed aboard the Mother Ship. Say goodbye to all of your friends and family now, while you have the chance.

Libra
(September 23 – October 23)

You’re running through an orchard – skipping with glee – and merrily filling your basket. There is a song in your heart and gratitude on your lips. The seeds you have diligently sown are all bearing fruit. Money does grow on trees.

Scorpio
(October 24 – November 21)

Blahbiddy blah blah blah…

Sagittarius
(November 22 – December 21)

You put the stars to sleep this month. They’re tired of telling you what to do and repeatedly being ignored by your stubborn refusal to admit the truth to yourself. For the love of God, save yourself before it's too late!!!

Capricorn
(December 22 – January 19)

Happy Birthday!

Aquarius
(January 20 – February 18)

You have officially earned the title “Best Fan in the Entire Universe”. Though your dreams are haunted by the specter of a Giant - never fear – the Giant will be destroyed by a God Among Men.

Pisces
(February 19 – March 20)

Recognize the fact that when you can’t get yourself out of a rut, life will do it for you. Your inner gremlin is very good at rationalizing a bender in such situations. Resist the temptation. Once you can see past the anger, you’ll realize that this is a blessing in disguise. Just know that your friends love you, but they're too broke to bail you out of jail again.