WHOROSCOPES: Episode Seven

December

If your birthday is tomorrow: You’ll be haunted by the scent of a man this month and you will learn an important lesson: a decomposing corpse doesn’t keep forever in the fridge.

You’re all over the place this month. And so is your urine. Getting blacked out and peeing everywhere, every night is really starting to get to your roommates. Buy some diapers. Keeping a roof over your head “depends” on it.

They say that eyes are windows to the soul. Does this mean the soulless have no eyes? And if that’s the case, won’t it be that much easier for you to hunt them down and destroy them?

Life becomes a comedy of errors this month when you badly botch a suicide attempt. Just know this: God is laughing at you. And so is everyone else.

On a cold and blustery day a man with a top hat will appear on your front door and twirl his cane with a flourish. After performing a lively jig he will beat you mercilessly about the head with his cane and proceed to rob you blind.

Did you know that the capital of Mongolia is Ulaanbaatar? Ever since you got that cool globe shower curtain you do. See! Taking showers every now and then isn’t a waste of time!

Archangel Michael will appear to you with his flaming sword telling you that your son is The Chosen One. The fate of mankind rests in his hands. His tiny, little, dwarf hands.

Razor burn in an uncomfortable place will make you self-conscious this month. The stars reveal a three-step solution to the problem; stop using razors from The Dollar Store, stop making your pet monkey shave you, and quit showing everyone your asscrack.

Happy Birthday!!! You are on a collision course with your destiny. In your dreams you play a starring role on the global stage. But in reality you are nothing more than the understudy in your own life story, aptly titled, Self-Delusion.





The stars have four words for you: free-form jazz dancing.

This month, everyone is telling you how relaxed you seem. They think it’s because you’re finally getting laid, but the truth is--you’ve started popping Quaaludes to take the edge off your frequent coke binges.