November
NOVEMBER
If your birthday is July 17th: Your mother spent the last 17 days of your gestation bitching and moaning about how much she was over the whole “pregnancy thing” and just “wanted a fuckin’ drink."
Aries
(March 21 – April 19)
You will find yourself buried up to your eyeballs in undocumented receipts. This is no big deal to Joe Shmoe, but to the sketchy budding entrepreneur, the IRS is going to be breathing down your neck this month. Get your Quickbooks on.
Taurus
(April 20 - May 20)
A woman will bring you to tears.
Gemini
(May 21 – June 21)
Life becomes a comedy of errors this month when you badly botch a suicide attempt. Just know this: God is laughing at you. And so is everyone else.
Cancer
(June 22 – July 22)
An old acquaintance will resurface unexpectedly in your life. Their reappearance uncovers deeply buried emotions that you thought you had killed, namely terror and panic. Apparently your lawyer failed to file the restraining order correctly.
Leo
(July 23 – August 22)
Crocodile Dundee will play an integral role in your life when you finally have the perfect opportunity to use the “that’s not a knife, this is a knife” line.
Virgo
(August 23 – September 22)
You get screwed every month. Especially now that you’ve moved on and are having mad, passionate sex with a hot neighbor everyone covets. You need it.
Libra
(September 23 – October 23)
You falsified your research and switched the samples so RDU-90 could get approval and Devlin McGregor could bring us … Provasic.
Scorpio
(October 24 – November 21)
You’ve been hustling for a long time. A long, long, long time. And it still hasn’t paid off. It’s time to realize that since you’ve got nothing to lose you might as well risk it all.
Sagittarius
(November 22 – December 21)
Good luck. Yer really gonna need it.
Capricorn
(December 22 – January 19)
Your sense of righteous indignation is well justified. You have been wronged, truly wronged. The moral high ground on which you stand is utterly infallible - carved in the bedrock of never having considered a differing opinion in your life.
Aquarius
(January 20 – February 18)
You are uncertain how you are going to answer a significant question you know is coming. Although in your head, you know what the logical move is, the irritating voice of your loved one will be hard to ignore as long as you both shall live.
Pisces
(February 19 – March 20)
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde battle as East meets West this month. Teriyaki Buffalo wings are in your immediate future. Man those things are delicious.
Article Series
This article is part 3 of a 6 part series. Other articles in this series are shown below:
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WHOROSCOPES: Episode Four
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WHOROSCOPES: Episode Five
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WHOROSCOPES: Episode Six
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Hope to Hear the Truth
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WHOROSCOPES: Episode Seven
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WHOROSCOPES: Episode Eight
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