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WHOROSCOPES: Episode Five |
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October
October
If your birthday is December 25th: You might be Jesus.
Aries
After losing all your bets in football this weekend and getting a strange burning sensation and/or a cottage cheese-like discharge you will contemplate whether these two phenomena are somehow related. The remainder of your month will be spent fabricating connections between TD’s and VD’s.
Taurus
You spend yet another month thinking about yourself, talking about yourself and, because you're so self-involved, touching yourself.
Gemini
Beware a man and woman bearing matching tattoos. They are on the lookout for a person to have a threesome with and you could wind up enmeshed in sex games so perverse they will taint your ability to become aroused in a normal fashion ever again. Ultimately, they will drug you and make you get a matching tattoo of your own which, brainwash you and keep you locked up as thier sex slave for a year. After you are able to finally escape their depraved clutches, you will realize it was the best year of your life.
Cancer
You will remember meeting a creepy man as a child. It was a particularly cold day and you were very afraid of him. Your mother told you not to talk to strangers and the candy he offered seemed rather unappealing since it was brown. But he didn't give you candy that day. When you weren't looking, he gave you somthing else. Drugs. And then he molested you. Just thought you might want to know.
Leo
You will black out while having drinks with co-workers on Wednesday. Your asshole will hurt like hell on Thursday. This is something that you will have to come to terms with. Not only with your co-workers but also with your asshole.
Virgo
Diese Woche wirst du endlich die Person finden, die dich nicht nur durchvoegeln wird, sondern mit Vergnuegen deine Scheisse essen wird. Wenn du brav die Pisse trinkst, wirst du in den Genuss des fistings kommen. Wenn die Scheisse nicht gelingt, schiess drauf und mach weiter. Erzaehl niemandem, dass es deinee Kusine war.**
**Pheditor's Note: The translation to this whoroscope is so vulgar we had to bury it deep within the site. Good luck finding it.
Capricorn
You have a really lousy week until Friday when you finally buy a bag of weed off a guy you work with and realize that it truly is as he says “the bomb diggedy.”
Scorpio
You will meet a homeless guy after a fun night at the local pub. He will be one of those smart homeless guys, a Vietnam Vet who just dropped out of society. When you ask him why he’s homeless, he will tell you he’s crazy. After smoking three joints with him and giving him 15 bucks, you ask him if there is anything he needs. His response will be to burst into a 10 minute drunken rendition of “Money can’t buy me love…” Listen to the old man and stop being so consumed with selling out.
Sagittarius
While being stuck in cart traffic in Costco on a Sunday afternoon you will have an epiphany that brings you to your knees. This is the realization that you must purchase a ring and propose right there on the spot. After professing your undying love in front of the zombie-like patrons hovering close to the station giving away free crackers, your significant other will say no and quickly walk away, pretending not to know you.
Libra
Your grandfather isn't dead, he's just invisible. There were a lot of things he didn't tell you about, and his secret workshop was one of them. This month he returns from vacation to see if you've shaped up into anything. He was pretty disgusted when he left last time, and I don't blame him, the things you were doing would've made nuns cry. So, this month, show your grand pappy what you're made of, make your papper proud. It's only for a month, so don't get too pissy. And for the love of god, don't sleep naked, no one wants to see that.
Aquarius
Baggy clothes are a good thing this month, and not just because you're packin' em on. They're comfy, dammit, and hell, this should be a comfy month. Make all things comfy, it's the beginning of fall. Eat on a TV tray, watch lots of movies, don't do any work, find someone to cuddle with, and eat lots of ice cream. It was a long summer and you deserve it.
Pisces
After a two-day coke bender, you will find yourself, thru tear-strained, bloodshot eyes, sobbing and wailing over the epic canine Disney saga Eight Below. Your friends, finding you inconsolable, take turns pointing fingers and laughing at you. All attempts to explain and justify your fragile disposition only exacerbate your friends’ hyena-like cackling rendering you to such an extreme hollowness, that you will feel nothing short of absolute certainty that this particular day will surely be the last. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT rent The House of Sand and Fog.
Article Series
This article is part 2 of a 6 part series. Other articles in this series are shown below:
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WHOROSCOPES: Episode Four
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WHOROSCOPES: Episode Five
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WHOROSCOPES: Episode Six
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Hope to Hear the Truth
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WHOROSCOPES: Episode Seven
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WHOROSCOPES: Episode Eight
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