Published on 08.31.07

Even the planets know what a slut you are.

Written by a bunch of dirty harlots.

September

#26: SEPTEMBER

If your birthday is May 17: You will face an ugly truth, make some hard decisions, suffer some consequences and tell a few lies this month.

Aries

The time has come to courageously set forth on a new adventure. Your bags are packed. You’ve got cash in your pocket, a full tank of gas and all of the proper forms of identification. Good luck buddy (aka “Julio Manuel”) as you attempt to cross the Mexican border. We bid you a fine farewell. The stars are looking the other way as your bad ass flees the country. We forgive you.

Taurus

Re-runs of South Park have been weighing heavy on your mind. Sick fantasies of a romance with "Towlie" deeply concern you, so much that you will air dry all month and avoid the pool at all costs. Even more disturbing, when pleasuring yourself, your climax will be prolonged until you hear those six, creepy, high-pitched words in your head: “Don’t forget to bring a towel!”

Gemini

There is money coming your way. Be on the watch for a small man in a green suit wearing a green bowler hat. When he crosses your path, bow to him three times, take off your left shoe and then sing Somewhere Over the Rainbow while you twirl around in circles until you throw up. This will cause him to laugh hysterically. He will then show you where he has hidden his pot o’ gold.

Cancer

You’ve been fortunate enough to demand attention from many prospects, but be extra cautious in the oncoming months. Just because you have four drinks on a Tuesday night doesn’t mean you should go to third base in the bathroom. People are talking and you are giving them something to discuss. Your two main squeezes are getting anxious to settle down and this leaves you in quite a predicament. A choice is looming and decisions need to be made ASAP. So squeezing in that quickie with #1 before dinner with #2 could blow up all over your face.

Leo

Your slutty approach to men is getting you laid! A lot! And it’s all gonna pay off in the end. Sure your past dreams of becoming movie starlet will be crushed from excessive crack-cocaine use, margaritas, and bathroom bj’s; but don’t fret--it all pays off when a giant hip-hop director dubs you bootylicious!! He’ll make you head HO in his upcoming, “Dr. Pleasure Sauce: Saucin’-U-Up” Video. Pop, lock –n- drop it….beyotch!

Virgo

They say the grass is always greener. But in your case it’s not. You’ve put on weight and you’re past your prime. So don’t break up. DO NOT. You won’t find anything better out there. Ever. The movie nights, long walks on the beach, both sleeping with the thermostat on 73, being super fans of the Cowboys…. these things are not easy to find! So cook dinner from scratch and buy oil for a sensual massage…make sure they know they're special. In the last week of the month, buy a lotto ticket. You’re going to win the Powerball. Disregard prior advice. Suddenly, you're quite the piece of ass!

Capricorn

Holy Smokes!!! You’re feelin’ lucky! And why not? That scratch and sniff ticket at 7-eleven will win you 10 bucks, which will in turn compel you to buy that silly 8-ball keychain that you’ve always wanted. And if that isn’t luck enough, that lucky 8-ball will be the conversation starter with your future ex-spouse.

Scorpio

You will get two parking tickets in one day. That night you will have a dream there are 3 earthquakes. You will wake up late for work due to lack of sleep. Stupidly, you will back off a curb and knock your bumper loose. When playing in a pool a fluorescent green and pink tennis ball will hit you directly in the eyeball causing a blood vessel to burst in the white of your eye. You will look like a freak. These are all signs that the sky is falling, but remember where you came from Scorp and just keep saying “Thank You.”

Sagittarius

A one-armed man will break into your house, murder your spouse and frame you for the crime. After you are convicted you will escape when the bus transporting you to prison collides with a train. You will then be forced to flee while you attempt to stay free long enough to clear your name. But beware, a determined Tommy Lee Jones will pursue you relentlessly and he might catch up with you before you are able to prove your innocence. Rent The Fugitive for pointers.

Libra

Be tight with your money this month. You’re kept…but not for long. When word gets back to your “financier” about the “charity” you’ve been “handing” out, your operation is finished. But don’t fret…without any baggage, you don’t have to keep looking over your shoulder. Your mind and body are free to explore the local college bars and get back to your roots. Loosen up, have a drink, and have some carefree fun! But remember, you’re the responsible one in this relationship. (In other words, be “safe"...kids these days!)

Aquarius

You’re feeling a bit antsy in your long-term relationship; the future hasn’t been looking as bright as it did when you were young. You’ve been getting away with a few puppy kisses, and back massages from co-workers, bar patrons, clothing sales clerks, yoga instructors, your college professor, that guy at the car wash--oh, and Juanita that sexy Latina @ Casa Vega’s Mexican Restaurant in Sherman Oaks. It’s time to settle down or get busy. Nobody likes a tease. Put out get out!!!

Pisces

You will find that you have a strange aversion to flashing lights this month. Everything from lightning, to car blinkers, to strobe lights to neon signs will cause a deeply unsettling feeling in the pit of your stomach. One night you will discover the cause when you awaken to find your lover posing you in lewd positions and taking pictures of you while you sleep. A word to the wise: dump the psycho and quit taking so much Ambien before bed.